I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
