you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Randomize
