I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize