best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
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