Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
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