Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
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