How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize