Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
