When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Randomize
