Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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