Can I ask u a weird question?
Sure
do u have the hershy squirts too?
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
