I heard we made out
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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