I just pynch a tree in the face
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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