Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
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