When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
she pinky promised me she was 18
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
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