Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
We have started to decorate penises.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Randomize
