I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
