Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Randomize
