I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
