Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
