I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
