she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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