I threw up into my coffee this morning.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
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