who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
