Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
Randomize
