I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Randomize
