Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
Randomize
