I accidentally burped into my bong.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Randomize
