After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Randomize
