Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Randomize
