Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Randomize
