So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Randomize
