she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
no you cant smoke seaweed
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Randomize
