i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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