Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
i will never coherently bang her
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Randomize
