It doesn't matter if they shave you or not, you're still susceptible to the staph infection.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
Just pee around me
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
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