yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Are my feet made of real feet?
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
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