I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
