You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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