she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
Randomize
