nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Randomize
