i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Randomize
