He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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