that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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