Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Randomize
