We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Randomize
