I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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