On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Randomize
