true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
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