You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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