My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
