Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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