Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
