i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
Randomize
