who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
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