I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Randomize
