hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
Randomize
