Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
Randomize
