I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
Did yall have sex?
Well we both woke up naked and there was a condom wrapper on the floor, but I don't remember so does that count?
Def not... that's how I managed to keep my number under 10 for all of college- If you don't remember, it didn't happen
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
Randomize