I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
I need to sanitize my soul.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
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